Black Friday is dead.

Black Friday 1965 - 2013

Black Friday, once the biggest shopping day of the year, and a cultural phenomenon that convinced otherwise normal Americans to line up overnight in parking lots of big box stores, has died. It was 47 years old. A spokesman for the Really Big Retailers Association said the fake holiday fought valiantly after being labeled as insensitive for interrupting the most joyous family holiday of the year, but in the end it succumbed to the fact that anyone can do the exact same shopping on their couch with a few flicks of a tablet screen.

In its heyday Black Friday was a behemoth that commanded the attention of consumers everywhere. After all, where else could you get a flatscreen TV for a few hundred bucks or 30% off the latest digital camera? The deals were so juicy and short-lived that risking pneumonia and missing some of the best football of the year made sense. But once Al Gore invented the Internet and Dick Cheney dreamed up the iPhone, Black Friday's days were numbered. It never felt good to suffocate at the bottom of a pig pile or put your boot squarely on the face of a pregnant lady grasping for a laser printer. So when the user-friendly technology so common to this age came to the fore, it was the perfect excuse to treat holiday shopping like everything else: something done on our terms and our time.

Black Friday is survived by a ton of amazing deals that are available from major retailers throughout the holiday season online and in-store. In the early 2000s it was briefly connected with Cyber Monday, but the union splintered when the more-nimble Monday allowed people to find and share deals during their lunch break. No services will be held since everyone will be enjoying the super-awesome four day weekend. Donations can be sent to

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